I’ve been sat with this word, as I approach the introduction of a whole line up of work to the world.
The words and works of many people that inspire me have gone into this writing, and moment of truth in my life:
– Marianne Williamson’s piece ‘Our Deepest Fear‘ has been a favourite of mine for a long time. It hangs in my kitchen as a reminder every day.
– More recently the brilliant podcast ‘Quitted‘, by prolific wordsmith and creative, Emily McDowell and her buddy Holly Whittaker (go and listen, immediately!). In giving myself permission, I am essentially quitting scarcity, lack of trust and of course fear. Thanks to you both for the inspiring convo.
Hope you enjoy the reading, and if you want to dive deeper into context about where lack permission came from in my life, my relationship with my Dad, and a touch upon shadow, then head below for more words…
NOTES ON LACK, SCARCITY, RELATIONSHIP WITH DAD + A FEW WORDS ON SHADOW…
From all the years of studying developmental theory/coaching, I know that we are formed in the face of our parent. My own personal journey has had been operating a permission frame in the face of, specifically, my father.
We’ve spent the best part of our time on this planet at each other’s throats, willing the other to be different to how they are now. Recently though, things shifted.
Having been under the belief that he didn’t approve of me and my life, a few words came out of his mouth on my recent trip home:
‘I’ve always got your back, Nath.’
This happened at the same time (ironically) that I was FINALLY putting to rest the need for anyone else’s permission. I realise that this was the first time I had actually heard him in words, even though he has always shown it in actions.
Scarcity and lack of trust is a form of programming I’ve learnt. I doubted him. Blamed him even. In this way he could never have done enough OR loved me enough.
In all my finger pointing at Dad, the part that I missed was that I was that outward challenges triggered me. And so I judged him, for judging me…THAT IS JUDGMENT…HELLO!?
Turns out that is precisely how shadow works:
What irritates us in the face of others is precisely what we are not seeing (or admitting) in ourselves. His judgment was mirroring the self-judgment that marred my inside world.
I scanned out on the conditions that I’ve placed on my self, all my life. Expectations of how to be perceived, how to be accepted, how to show up a certain way. All in service of belonging. That inner critic is a noisy bitch.
He had my back all along. The question is, can I have my own?
Can I give my self permission to trust myself, to lean out of scarcity?
Can I give my self permission, to give my self permission?
Can’t wait to share what I’ve been working on and evolving throughout all the lockdown shenanigans.
With love,
Nathan X
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